Since Brent showed me how to buy songs from the iTunes music store, I usually give in to the music cravings that seize me every now and then. Which explains why I have music from Gnarls Barkley to Sophie Tucker to Danzig.

So, the latest purchase? "Magic" and "Xanadu" by Olivia Newton-John. Absolutely LURVE that woman and have since "Physical."

I wonder what will hit me next...New Kids on the Block! Eek!

So, I got a phone call this morning that a student had committed suicide last night.

Last year was a rough year for our school, we had four deaths...two suicides, one car accident, and one terminal illness. Death in itself is a tricky thing, but add it to the drama of high school, and you have a very volatile environment.

This morning, as I tried to make sense of it all, I separated out two issues related to this incident.

First: that final decision to take your own life. I don't think I will ever understand it. I acknowledge that there is A LOT I don't know about the human mind and I certainly am not belittling people who are so distraught that they choose the final exit. However, I just cannot understand it. For myself, as a Pagan, suicide is the ultimate violation of the Wiccan Rede - "Do what you will, but harm none." Suicide hurts everyone, from those close to the person to those who could have been affected in the future by that person had they lived. Frankly, there is too much I want to learn about myself and this world to be taking myself out of it prematurely. On the other hand, if my life was so horrible that death seemed like mercy, maybe I would think differently.

It's a choice I think I would never make, but I can never say never...so I simply won't pass judgment on those who make that choice.

Second: Dammit. I completely forgot what my second point was. I got so wrapped up in my first point, and then Kirby got a phone call from one of her little friends, asking if she could go to McDonald's for lunch...so I was distracted by that.

Maybe that's it. My second point. Live life. You never know when you'll be gone. You never know when someone you know will be gone as well.

Mwahahahahahaha! Just as I was about to hit Submit, my second thought struck me. Death. A natural part of life. No matter how we leave this world, we will all do so. While I send thoughts and prayers to those affected by the student's death, I also feel that at some point, we must move on and live our lives. It may sound callous, but I believe the God and Goddess did not intend for us to lose ourselves in mourning for the dead. They created so many things for us to enjoy in ths world, it would be a disservice and dishonor to not respect that. Life is for the living. I think that is what the Divine Beings want us to know.

Yes, here I am.

Well, it's certainly fall around here. The two birch trees in the front yard are naked and their little leaf clothes have been raked and disposed of. Blankets of mulch have been laid on all needed areas. Bushes and shrubs have been pruned. Pumpkins have been carved and set out on the front step...and have NOT been abducted by carousing teenagers and smashed in the school parking lot.

Ahhh...it seems like a time to reflect.

I always enjoy fall. I feel as though I am on an insanely tall roller coaster. The ascent begins a few weeks before school starts, and I reach the peak around this time of year, right before Halloween. The coaster begins the downward race, gathering speed and before I know it, the ride will be over and it will be January 2007. The holidays are always like that for me. Once Halloween gets here, time seems to become a blur...and then I find myself bereft in a cold, slushy January.

However, fall is still a favorite for me, not only because of the nice weather, beautiful colors, and yummy fall food...but also because of the reminder that life is cyclical and all things have a reason and a season. I find comfort in knowing that yes, the leaves die and fall from the trees, but they die to make room for the new green buds that will return a few months' time. Fall always reminds me to not bogged down by the small stuff, but to constantly remember that I am just a part of the Wheel of Life, that life is short, and I need to do great things and be a great person while I am here.

First off, a sidebar...the banner at the top this morning is an ad for PetSmart. That's more like it. No more weird signs from the universe, please.

Anyway, onto a serious topic which I have been struggling with for some reason, and was really only amplified for me during yesterday's church sermon. That topic is forgiveness...something I have a real problem with.

I'm not a grudge-holder, but I am a dweller. That is, I do remember various injuries (sounds like a grudge now that I write it out like that). Although, I have no grudges against anyone in this world...but if there's one person who feels my vengeful nature the most, it is my husband.

To my twisted mind, he upsets or insults me several times a day. Usually for something mundane, like not doing something I asked or doing something I didn't want him to do. The more I think about this, the more I understand these are minor irritations and annoyances. Then, whose problem is it? To forgive someone implies that they have committed a major wrong against you...which Brent certainly has not. I think it sounds terribly righteous to 'forgive' Brent for something I just need to let go or get over.

And therein lies the problem.

I'm an OK forgiver, but letting go is my problem. It is a tough thing to me, because I often equate letting go with giving up or unfairly compromising. I truly feel there are just some things I should fight for.

So anyway, I'm working on it. I am a constant work in progress. Evolving as we speak.

It's been one week since the snippity-snip. Brent is still not feeling "in the mood."

I'm being a selfish jerk, I know. But seriously, rub some dirt on it. Suck it up and satisfy your wife, man!

How many times does this situation occur? Wife wants husband, husband too tired, too stressed, too nervous, too sore. *sigh*

Oh well, keep on truckin'. This too shall pass.