Well, what to do now?

Tonight was the last night of our play...it is over. All those weeknight rehearsals are done. I shall have my evenings back. Whatever shall I do?

Well, I've got a list.

1. Hang out with husband and kids.

2. Grade freshman essays.

3. Clean my house.

4. Do my laundry.

5. Read a book.

6. Play video games.

7. Buy more stuff on eBay.

8. Write lesson plans for next trimester.

9. Lay on couch and watch TV.

10. Go to bed early.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

So. Last night. Update time.

I get home from play practice and the living room (aka dance floor) is clean and Clapton is ready to go.

I asked him to dance and he did. And we did. And it was nice. I have to admit, I'm not much for slow dancing, because we just went around and around in circles. :) However, it was great just to be close.

We talked about how we needed to make more "us" time. So after our song was done, we got our family calendar off the fridge and scheduled a date night (November 3). We also set up Wednesdays as "family night" and went so far as to plan what activity we'd do each Weds. night through the month of November! Also, we decided that we needed to make a time every day to reconnect...so on the mornings I don't get up early to walk, we're going to start the day together with a shower (in the name of conserving water, naturally). On the other mornings, we'll probably just find a bit of time after the kiddos go to bed.

All in all, it was a very productive evening! Also, I emailed him yesterday during work, asking him how his day was and how I couldn't wait to get home. So, when I got home, I found a crockpot full of apple cider simmering, a box of rainbow sherbet in the freezer, and a new box of my favorite hot teas. He told me later how much he appreciated my email, that he just got this idea to do cider and buy my favorites because he thought it'd make me feel better (I've had a cold the last few days).

Anyway...day one of this new plan went well!

After my recent unloading here about my husband-relationship problems, I was faced (read: asked by an impartial third party) with some very provocative questions...

Do I "talk" to my husband? Do I make "us" time? What romantic gestures do I make towards him?

Huh. When I reflected on these questions, I realized that I don't do a hell of a lot for my husband. I don't appreciate him enough...that's for sure. Instead, I complain about the attention *I'M* not receiving. I grumble that "he never does anything for me."

Thanks to an online friend out there, I'm going to be trying something different. I'm sticking my neck out and making the first move, instead of waiting for my husband to do something first.

When I get home from play practice tonight, I am going to ask him to dance with me. Just like we used to. In the ancient days.

I left him a note this morning asking if he'd find a copy of the song "Wonderful Tonight," by Clapton. It's our song. Let's see if I can't bring back some of that closeness we had in the beginning.

Wish me luck - I'll let you know how it goes.

I love bumper stickers...these are the ones I have up in my classroom right now.

"Harry for President"
"Love Your Enemies, It Really Gets Them Confused"
"Of course, I don't look busy, I did it right the first time."
"Minds are like parachutes...they only function when OPEN."
"Krutzfeldt for City Council" (this is a local one)
"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
"WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear."
"Control your destiny, or someone else will."
"Don't believe everything you think."
"Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen."
"No Matter Where You Go, There You Are"
"In Two Days, It Will Be Yesterday"
"What is Popular is not always Right...What is Right is not always Popular"
"We're All Here Because We're Not All There."

and my personal favorite...

"Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult"

I'm not a Catholic, so I guess my blog is roughly the equivalent.

So, I'm just going to spill it. I'm not really looking for pity or advice...but maybe by writing about it, I can begin to identify the issue(s).

My husband is a great guy. He's a very dedicated, involved father. He's an all-around nice guy that most people have nothing but good things to say. He'd help out anybody in a pinch and wouldn't feel resentful about doing so. He's very generous with his time and is very understanding about letting me do the things I like to do.

So why does he feel like my roommate instead of my husband?

He had his V about four weeks ago...and we have not even tried anything in that time, even though he's feeling well enough to...you know. Before that, though, I can't remember the last time we did anything remotely sexual or even romantic. We don't slow dance like we used to. We don't sit and chat in bed like we used to. We don't do anything that we used to. We just keep telling ourselves that once life isn't so busy, things will change.

"Once Spencer's football is over..."
"Once Heather's play performance is over..."
"Once we get through this week..."

But, deep down, I know it's never going to get better. Why? Because no matter what is going on, my feelings for Brent don't change. My sex drive is fine...I just have no desire to do it with him. My attitude towards him these days is mostly neutral, bordering on annoyance. He never seems to say or do the right thing. He always seems grouchy. He always grills me about what I'm doing or where I'm going. He always asks stupid questions. This, of course, is through my eyes. I could be totally psycho and he is doing none of this. Who knows? I sure don't.

What the hell is the problem?

I feel like I could cry most days, because I feel as though I am hanging on by a very thin thread. I cannot face the possibility that this might be the rest of my life - stuck in some relationship that I have no passion for. That's what missing. That "I can't wait to get home" feeling or that "He's the first person I want to see" feeling.

I know we should be in counseling. Without a doubt. I just want to shake this hopeless feeling I get every time I look at my husband.