And you know I’m not a professional, so you can count on completely unbiased reporting.

First off, the more time you’ve put between reading the sixth book and watching the sixth movie, the better. Then, when you watch the movie, you won’t remember if there was a scene in the book in which the Weasleys’ home is burned to the ground by a group of Death Eaters or not. Hopefully you won’t recall the gaggety gag way Harry and Ginny get together in the movie, as opposed to the carefully crafted, subtle way Rowling does it in the book.

But, anyway. On with the impartial portion of this review.

As you watch the movie, remember: the book and movie are separate. In fact, repeat this to yourself several times. Convincing oneself of this fact is about the only way bibliophiles like myself keep from ripping the armrests out in sheer disgust.

The movie does not start with the scene at Spinner’s End, with the Unbreakable Oath between Narcissa Malfoy and Snape, as it does in the book. Instead, after some cool footage of Death Eaters wreaking mayhem on the Muggle world, it cuts to Harry reading the Daily Prophet in a Muggle diner.

WTF?

Doesn’t this violate one of the main precepts of the whole Potter series? That Muggles have no clue what’s happening in the Wizard world, and in fact, a Ministry of Magic is in place to prevent stupidly innocuous things like a wizard reading a moving-photograph paper in a Muggle restaurant? In plain view of several Muggles?

To continue in this vein, there is then an inane conversation between Harry and a young Muggle waitress, who obviously likes him. It appears they will hook up later (she gets off at eleven), when Harry spots Dumbledore. Rather quickly and cruelly, the poor Muggle waitress is abandoned...and now the book and movie can finally dovetail at this point with the visit to Horace Slughorn. But, I ask you, what was the point of the abandoned Muggle would-be girlfriend? To be honest, it cheapens Harry and Ginny’s relationship later on…to know that Harry was almost mackin’ on some inconsequential Muggle waitress who had no clue who that “tosser Harry Potter” was. I felt dirty.

Anyway, Jim Broadbent plays Slughorn, and rather well, I must say. Jim’s been a favorite of mine since “Bridget Jones’s Diary”, and while he doesn’t have the poundage I imagined Slughorn to have, he certainly fits the goofy, semi out-of-touch bill.

Frankly, the movie does a great job of dicing and splicing the sort-of-important scenes, while keeping the relative integrity of the important ones, the key one being Harry and Dumbledore’s adventure in the cave/potion/Inferi. However, as with nearly every book-to-film project, the director felt the need to insert several stupid items that had no purpose. He butchered one of my favorite parts of the sixth book and turned it into a Nicholas Sparks novel!

Let’s just make a list here of things everyone knows:

1. Fruits and vegetables are good for you.
2. Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
3. Ginny Weasley has been in love with Harry Potter forever, but she does not do ridiculous things like tie Harry’s shoelaces, offer him a plate of some dumb English finger food, attempt to get intimate with him while wearing a bathrobe, or chase him into a wheat field, or many of the other cheesy things she said or did throughout the movie. HE came to HER, OK? SHE did not chase HIM like an idiot.

Cripes.

Speaking of love relationships, the Ron Weasley-Lavender Brown portrayal was spot on. Both actors did an adequate job of being sickeningly sweet and disgusting when appropriate. The young lady that played Lavender had superb facial expressions, and I honestly looked forward to her entrances. How many other minor characters can you say that about? Another excellent piece of work was the downward spiral of Draco Malfoy. Blissfully, the director did not spend too much time on the development of Draco’s dilemma with superfluous dialogue or action, but his journey into "The Dark Lord's Servant Hell" was well-documented by subtle makeup, short pensive shots, even shorter conversations with Potter and Snape, and dead brilliant twitching by Tom Felton.

So, yeah, go see it. Or don’t. It’s got everything you’d expect: love, special effects, blood, Dumbledore’s beard, a freaky-looking young Tom Riddle, and a cool room-rearranging sequence courtesy of Slughorn and Dumbledore. Just be ready for some of the other crap too.

So I totally ripped off my blog title from Mitch Albom's best-seller. Hopefully he's not a Streamer and will never find out.

So, here's a question on my mind today. Suppose you are going to a deserted island or isolated place or Heaven, if you believe in that stuff. You get ten movies to take with you...any ten, but they've got to be part of the collection you already own.

Here's my list. I'm sure you will be disappointed, I mean, I don't think there are any Academy winners on here.

You can include justifications if you want, I'm not going to. Well, maybe for some.

1. BBC Version of "Pride and Prejudice".
2. Love Actually
3. The Back to the Future trilogy
4. 27 Dresses (pure fluff, but I love me some James Marsden)
5. The Bourne trilogy (Natch)
6. The Whoopee Boys (totally un-PC, but hilarious movie)
7. Fellowship of the Ring
8. The Two Towers
9. Return of the King
10. Pride and Prejudice (with Keira Knightley)

Guess what I did this morning?

Played video games while eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Heh.

For the most part, I leave the video game playing to my two sons, but every now and then, I get the bug. My game of choice is "Lord of the Rings: The Third Age" for the Nintendo GameCube. It is one of the best role-playing video games I've ever played, and *I* think the replay value is excellent. I really cannot stand those games where I have to hurriedly push a certain combination of buttons to achieve an objective. With this game, I can take my time, look around in certain spots, and there are only a few buttons I really need - and I only push them one at a time! In addition to that, this game follows a storyline, based on the "Lord of the Rings" story, which I love.

So, yeah, for a couple of days now, I've been sitting in front of the TV whenever I've had a free moment. Usually once I start the game, I've got to play it through till the end. This morning, I opted for total kiddom and schlepped a bowl of Fruity Pebbles downstairs and plopped in front of the TV while my kids were still sleeping.

Fruity Pebbles are good. Video games are good.

I suppose at some time here today I must return to the land of adults. Paying bills, preparing nutritious meals, and taking my children to their various educational and creative activities like a responsible adult.

Here's the secret, though, Dear Streamers: I am cleverly disguised as a responsible adult! Mwaaaaahahahaaaaaahahahaha!

If you haven't been spending the last decade or so with your head buried in quicksand, you probably know who Dave Barry is.

You know, DAVE Barry. Dave BARRY.

The famously hilarious syndicated humor columnist from Florida? The guy who brings literary techniques like repetition, hyperbole, parody, and satire to the level every sixth grader can understand? The guy who treats no topic (save maybe a really serious one) with sanctity, and will poke fun at any and every political and cultural figure known to God?

Yeah, that guy.

Anyway, I'm reading "Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)" and cracking up every five minutes last night before I drift off to sleep. And because of that, I am plagued by the weirdest dream ever.

See, one of DB's classic humor strategies is to take a person or event and thread it through his column, in an utterly ridiculous and funny way. For example, if he mentioned Arnold Schwarznegger at the beginning of his rant, he will turn it into a running joke throughout the entire column.

But, back to my dream. First off, three people (one of them being my husband) are trying to shoot me in the head. They never quite manage to pull it off, even though I recall being terrified and crawling away, crab-style. It might have been a gun malfunction or really small bullets, who knows? (Perhaps they couldn't recall Wilson's Four Rules to Gun Usage)

That incident continues to run through the rest of my dream that night, a la Dave Barry. After I wake up from Episode #1, I fall back asleep to a jolting mental montage of random images...most of them consisting of me doing something normal, followed by me almost getting shot in the head.

For example, I'm in the house, doing laundry or something, come around the corner, and BOOM, some nameless nobody is trying to shoot me in the head. And this goes on and on and one for most of the night...until about four in the morning, when my oldest wakes up with a nasty, smelly bout of diarrhea.

I really hope this bizarre night of dreaming does not portend any danger for me. I hope and pray it is JUST the macabre subliminal work of Dave Barry. And Arnold Schwarznegger.

Except, perhaps, maybe slugs serve an actual purpose.

I really have got to get myself a summer job of some kind. The last three or four (or fifteen, I've lost count) weeks, I've just totally oozed my way through existence.

I cannot look back at anything I've done recently with warm, fuzzy, ambitious feelings. I'm doing the bare minimum, just enough to keep my job at the high school and the newspaper. Other than that, I've filled my time with onerous chores, eating at various restaurants for lunch, getting on Facebook, texting, watching Investigative Discoveries on the telly, drinking some beer, going to the pool, and shuttling my children to and from their activities.

Here's what I should be doing:

1. Updating my children's scrapbooks.

2. Looking through the textbooks for the college classes I'm going to teach in the fall.

3. Repaint/remodel/redecorate various parts of my house.

4. Write more of my book.

5. Keep up on my blog.

6. Eat healthier.

And other numerous things I should be doing.

Slug. I'm going to slide myself off to bed, leaving a trail of slime behind me.