Yes, here I am.

Well, it's certainly fall around here. The two birch trees in the front yard are naked and their little leaf clothes have been raked and disposed of. Blankets of mulch have been laid on all needed areas. Bushes and shrubs have been pruned. Pumpkins have been carved and set out on the front step...and have NOT been abducted by carousing teenagers and smashed in the school parking lot.

Ahhh...it seems like a time to reflect.

I always enjoy fall. I feel as though I am on an insanely tall roller coaster. The ascent begins a few weeks before school starts, and I reach the peak around this time of year, right before Halloween. The coaster begins the downward race, gathering speed and before I know it, the ride will be over and it will be January 2007. The holidays are always like that for me. Once Halloween gets here, time seems to become a blur...and then I find myself bereft in a cold, slushy January.

However, fall is still a favorite for me, not only because of the nice weather, beautiful colors, and yummy fall food...but also because of the reminder that life is cyclical and all things have a reason and a season. I find comfort in knowing that yes, the leaves die and fall from the trees, but they die to make room for the new green buds that will return a few months' time. Fall always reminds me to not bogged down by the small stuff, but to constantly remember that I am just a part of the Wheel of Life, that life is short, and I need to do great things and be a great person while I am here.

First off, a sidebar...the banner at the top this morning is an ad for PetSmart. That's more like it. No more weird signs from the universe, please.

Anyway, onto a serious topic which I have been struggling with for some reason, and was really only amplified for me during yesterday's church sermon. That topic is forgiveness...something I have a real problem with.

I'm not a grudge-holder, but I am a dweller. That is, I do remember various injuries (sounds like a grudge now that I write it out like that). Although, I have no grudges against anyone in this world...but if there's one person who feels my vengeful nature the most, it is my husband.

To my twisted mind, he upsets or insults me several times a day. Usually for something mundane, like not doing something I asked or doing something I didn't want him to do. The more I think about this, the more I understand these are minor irritations and annoyances. Then, whose problem is it? To forgive someone implies that they have committed a major wrong against you...which Brent certainly has not. I think it sounds terribly righteous to 'forgive' Brent for something I just need to let go or get over.

And therein lies the problem.

I'm an OK forgiver, but letting go is my problem. It is a tough thing to me, because I often equate letting go with giving up or unfairly compromising. I truly feel there are just some things I should fight for.

So anyway, I'm working on it. I am a constant work in progress. Evolving as we speak.