After my recent unloading here about my husband-relationship problems, I was faced (read: asked by an impartial third party) with some very provocative questions...

Do I "talk" to my husband? Do I make "us" time? What romantic gestures do I make towards him?

Huh. When I reflected on these questions, I realized that I don't do a hell of a lot for my husband. I don't appreciate him enough...that's for sure. Instead, I complain about the attention *I'M* not receiving. I grumble that "he never does anything for me."

Thanks to an online friend out there, I'm going to be trying something different. I'm sticking my neck out and making the first move, instead of waiting for my husband to do something first.

When I get home from play practice tonight, I am going to ask him to dance with me. Just like we used to. In the ancient days.

I left him a note this morning asking if he'd find a copy of the song "Wonderful Tonight," by Clapton. It's our song. Let's see if I can't bring back some of that closeness we had in the beginning.

Wish me luck - I'll let you know how it goes.

I love bumper stickers...these are the ones I have up in my classroom right now.

"Harry for President"
"Love Your Enemies, It Really Gets Them Confused"
"Of course, I don't look busy, I did it right the first time."
"Minds are like parachutes...they only function when OPEN."
"Krutzfeldt for City Council" (this is a local one)
"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
"WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear."
"Control your destiny, or someone else will."
"Don't believe everything you think."
"Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen."
"No Matter Where You Go, There You Are"
"In Two Days, It Will Be Yesterday"
"What is Popular is not always Right...What is Right is not always Popular"
"We're All Here Because We're Not All There."

and my personal favorite...

"Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult"

I'm not a Catholic, so I guess my blog is roughly the equivalent.

So, I'm just going to spill it. I'm not really looking for pity or advice...but maybe by writing about it, I can begin to identify the issue(s).

My husband is a great guy. He's a very dedicated, involved father. He's an all-around nice guy that most people have nothing but good things to say. He'd help out anybody in a pinch and wouldn't feel resentful about doing so. He's very generous with his time and is very understanding about letting me do the things I like to do.

So why does he feel like my roommate instead of my husband?

He had his V about four weeks ago...and we have not even tried anything in that time, even though he's feeling well enough to...you know. Before that, though, I can't remember the last time we did anything remotely sexual or even romantic. We don't slow dance like we used to. We don't sit and chat in bed like we used to. We don't do anything that we used to. We just keep telling ourselves that once life isn't so busy, things will change.

"Once Spencer's football is over..."
"Once Heather's play performance is over..."
"Once we get through this week..."

But, deep down, I know it's never going to get better. Why? Because no matter what is going on, my feelings for Brent don't change. My sex drive is fine...I just have no desire to do it with him. My attitude towards him these days is mostly neutral, bordering on annoyance. He never seems to say or do the right thing. He always seems grouchy. He always grills me about what I'm doing or where I'm going. He always asks stupid questions. This, of course, is through my eyes. I could be totally psycho and he is doing none of this. Who knows? I sure don't.

What the hell is the problem?

I feel like I could cry most days, because I feel as though I am hanging on by a very thin thread. I cannot face the possibility that this might be the rest of my life - stuck in some relationship that I have no passion for. That's what missing. That "I can't wait to get home" feeling or that "He's the first person I want to see" feeling.

I know we should be in counseling. Without a doubt. I just want to shake this hopeless feeling I get every time I look at my husband.

Since Brent showed me how to buy songs from the iTunes music store, I usually give in to the music cravings that seize me every now and then. Which explains why I have music from Gnarls Barkley to Sophie Tucker to Danzig.

So, the latest purchase? "Magic" and "Xanadu" by Olivia Newton-John. Absolutely LURVE that woman and have since "Physical."

I wonder what will hit me next...New Kids on the Block! Eek!

So, I got a phone call this morning that a student had committed suicide last night.

Last year was a rough year for our school, we had four deaths...two suicides, one car accident, and one terminal illness. Death in itself is a tricky thing, but add it to the drama of high school, and you have a very volatile environment.

This morning, as I tried to make sense of it all, I separated out two issues related to this incident.

First: that final decision to take your own life. I don't think I will ever understand it. I acknowledge that there is A LOT I don't know about the human mind and I certainly am not belittling people who are so distraught that they choose the final exit. However, I just cannot understand it. For myself, as a Pagan, suicide is the ultimate violation of the Wiccan Rede - "Do what you will, but harm none." Suicide hurts everyone, from those close to the person to those who could have been affected in the future by that person had they lived. Frankly, there is too much I want to learn about myself and this world to be taking myself out of it prematurely. On the other hand, if my life was so horrible that death seemed like mercy, maybe I would think differently.

It's a choice I think I would never make, but I can never say never...so I simply won't pass judgment on those who make that choice.

Second: Dammit. I completely forgot what my second point was. I got so wrapped up in my first point, and then Kirby got a phone call from one of her little friends, asking if she could go to McDonald's for lunch...so I was distracted by that.

Maybe that's it. My second point. Live life. You never know when you'll be gone. You never know when someone you know will be gone as well.

Mwahahahahahaha! Just as I was about to hit Submit, my second thought struck me. Death. A natural part of life. No matter how we leave this world, we will all do so. While I send thoughts and prayers to those affected by the student's death, I also feel that at some point, we must move on and live our lives. It may sound callous, but I believe the God and Goddess did not intend for us to lose ourselves in mourning for the dead. They created so many things for us to enjoy in ths world, it would be a disservice and dishonor to not respect that. Life is for the living. I think that is what the Divine Beings want us to know.