OK, so I'm a high school English teacher (for real), and we started school yesterday. It's Friday. I'm so exhausted. WTF??? I'm not that terribly old!

I came home last night from work and just felt like I'd been blindsided with a twenty-pound bag of wrenches. And I gotta do another nine months of this crap?! Holy sh!t.

Anyway, this weekend should be good. Yes, I'm tired, but I'm sure I'll find the energy tomorrow to guzzle a couple of beers in Ames. We're drafting fantasy football teams with my husband's high school friends. I really am going to eat, drink, and be freakin' merry.

Now this is a topic I have been kicking about in the noggin for quite some time.

There is a eroticness deficiency among most males in the world. At least, that has been my experience (somewhat limited, I'll grant you). Where do men learn how to be romantic and sexy? I'll guarantee that not a lot of parents are willing to take that one on with their little boys. From their friends? Please. I graduated with guys who went by the nicknames "Tuna" and "Noser."

Men who know what they're doing either A.) Read a hell of a lot about sex or B.) Had a really great teacher. The A. guys are rare...very rare. If you find an A. guy, you should hang on and not let go. Ever. This is known as the jackpot. The B. variety are a lot more common, but a little more unpleasant. After all, her (or his, we're equal opportunity here) memory will linger forever. And who can compete with a ghost?

S0 - my solution? A School for the Erotically Impaired. A learning institution for those wishing to excel at pleasing their partner. Now, keep in mind, this is just a rough outline of what the school will offer. I will flesh it out more as time goes along (pun intended).

Course and Descriptions:

Naughty Talk - The Art of Sweet Nothings: Here students will learn the fine art of speaking erotically. Words that will titillate, not turn off. For most students, this is like learning a foreign language, so the Immersion Method will be employed. Do not expect to hear words like "gash" "schlong" or "cooch." There will also be several mini-lessons on how to sincerely complement others of the opposite sex.

Hollywood Does Erotic: This is a course from our "History" segment. Students will study the genres of Hollywood films which have contributed to present-day sexuality. Major focus will be on the "chick-flick" and "soft-core porn" genres. Students will be expected to write a research paper discussing the topic: "Why Dicks Are Not Spotted in HollyWOOD."

Foreplay at the Foreground: This course is among one of the last students will take at the SEI. The first half of the semester will be spent studying the texts, which include The Kama Sutra, Our Bodies, Ourselves, and The Guide to Getting It On. The second half of the semester will include the clinicals. Students will keep FP Logs, which will detail foreplay theories that have been put into actual practice. Clinicals include (but is not limited to) the areas of kissing, stroking, massaging, fondling, and biting.

You can probably see where I'm going with this. Obviously there are many more courses to work out. We're looking at a two-year program here...maybe more for our special needs students.

Well, I'm off to find some appropriate charities/groups to write grants to.

OK, yeah, that's the song playing on my iTunes right now, so I'm just gonna go with it. This being my maiden voyage here, Survivor's biggest hit sure beats some cheesy message title like:


1. "Hi, everyone! I'm a noob!!" (overly eager and just plain dorky)

2. "Welcome to My Little Corner of the Web" (too rustic and syrupy)

3. "I'm probably the only one reading this..." (pathetic, yet true)

4. "So...my therapist said a blog would help..." (uhhh...I'll probably use that one when y'all know me better)

Anyway, "Eye of the Tiger" is fitting, yet cryptic...although "Glory Days" by Springsteen is playing now and that would work here too. So, OK, I'm going to end here with vital stats.

1. Early 30's.

2. Live in Iowa.

3. Three kids. One husband. Imagine that switched around.

4. High School English Teacher (eats, shoots, and leaves)

5. Avid eBayer and scrapbooker.

6. Love Tolkien and Austen and Rowling more than life itself.

7. Gets a huge secret kick out of movies like Dodgeball and The Benchwarmers.

8. Firm believer that women can never have enough clothes, shoes, or purses.

9. Will rarely take anything on here seriously.

10. Voted for Pedro.

Yeah, that's about enough. I'm destined to do great things. After all, I am the eye of the tiger.